Time doesn’t stop for anyone.

Not you, not me, not your loved ones.

You can take certain substances that might change the way you perceive it but it won’t stop.

There are many uncertainties in life, many unanswered questions.

So many things that we don’t know, the things we do being somewhat incomprehensible in and of themselves.

Time doesn’t stop for anyone and we’re all going to die.

When I was 13 I started to get depressed about time, so much so that I missed out on a lot (of time) because of it. I was doing a drama summer school and I think I was due to go into 3rd year in the coming August. I remember we were doing our morning warm-up and as I was turning round~I’m not sure what we were doing~it suddenly struck me about, time. I was going to be 14 in the new school year and I suddenly wondered, ‘where has the time gone? How did I get here?

I know how I physically got to the class that morning.

But not how had I travelled through time so quickly, how had the years flown by so fast?

It seemed like one minute I’d been a child and then suddenly I was going into my first “serious” year of high school, reflecting in that moment.

That was when I started getting depressed about time moving too fast, I remember asking loads of people~family members~about how they experienced time.

Does it keep getting faster? Yes.

Well, maybe it doesn’t actually go faster but you perceive it as going faster as you age.

Perhaps not everyone perceives it that way but many do.

I think its perhaps repetition, that makes it seem faster.

Doing the same things over and over again: the same occupation every day, the same route to and from, the same hobbies, clubs.

I’m gonna stop with the above subject for now as, if I think about it too much it starts to fuck with my head. I end up spiralling and getting stuck beneath the infinite cascading waves of thought, and depression.

I will say though that ever since then, the depression lasted a lot longer than the aforementioned catalyst thought, I have been very analytical about how I perceive life. I’ve always been very analytical but this made me more so. I also think that perhaps I think too much, which has been bad for me mentally but I think that it might help me to do well for myself. I also have a lot more ways to cope with the bad side of things-spiraling-than I used to, when I was younger, which is a definite game-changer.

{Update:

You as the reader, are probably wondering wtf I’m jabbering on about and all I can say is that I was amidst the crimson waves and feeling very emotional and reflective. I was having a wee blub to myself, thinking about how far I’ve come in life. I used to get so depressed and stressed out about time passing by, I was so scared that one day I’d look up and my memories-or any pictures I had-would be the only proof that I’d lived. That I’d go from 14 to 50 in the blink of an eye, having done nothing with my life because I was too depressed and scared of everything. It’s taken me a while but I can now say that I’m okay with time passing by. It only feels like it passes by in the blink of an eye in retrospect. Looking back, you won’t remember everything…you’ll remember key events…things that stuck in your mind. Those things will condense down and everything will seem like it’s sort of wooshed by. But at the same time, every experience, every home, every old friend or acquaintance will feel lifetimes ago. When you learn to live in the moment, the passage of time, no matter it’s speed doesn’t seem so daunting anymore. I think I secretly wanted time to go by faster when I was younger, I wanted it to go by faster so that I could grow up, leave school and home and be me without other peoples judgments. I also wanted to be accepted for me. It’s taken a while to get here but in the last year, I’ve been more me than I have been in a long time. I started practicing mindfulness techniques, around a year ago in order to try and enhance my experience and lucidity whilst dreaming, and I’ve found that they’ve also really helped me to live more in the moment. You might know a bit about mindfulness, if you don’t, I basically do things like, if I’m walking through town, I look at things around me. I observe and notice things around me, look at them, like really look at them, think of its colours, what it’s made of, how old it is, it’s history. From looking up from my phone and looking at the world around me, I’ve noticed things like…..how beautiful the buildings in Glasgow (town) are, some of them have pillars like they were built in Roman times-probably not but one likes to imagine-and others have gorgeous Edwardian style roofs and balconies. Becoming consciously aware of things you can see, hear, feel, smell and taste. In becoming more mindful of my human experience and the environment around me, I have spent less and less time on social media, my phone and subsequently, the internet. Spending less time online has helped me to get back in touch with things I used to enjoy when I was younger-like reading and drawing-before everyone had a computer in their pocket that they were constantly lost in. By simply spending less time online-it wasn’t simple at all, it took a lot of time and reflection-and doing things I enjoy and finding a purpose, I feel like I’ve grown to be at peace with the passage of time. I lost someone very important to me at the end of last year and it broke my heart, I felt powerless. There was nothing I could do, I couldn’t bring them back. As much as it still hurts me today. that loss has helped me to understand and be more at peace with the cycle of life. Time doesn’t stop for anyone and we’re all going to die but that’s just the way life works. People die every day but people are also born every day. Time will go by and I’ll grow old and I’ll die one day but that’s just the way life is. Nobody can live forever, even if one could, you would lose a lot more than your mortality. I’ll probably learn and experience enough that by the time the time comes I’ll be accepting of death, like it’s okay, I’m ready to move on now…ready to experience whatever’s next. What I’m getting at here, is that I’ve accepted that time is just a part of life, a very important part but still simply a cog in the machine of life. By dwelling in it and not accepting it, I caused the machine to malfunction but by accepting it, things are running a lot more smoothly. 02/07/2019}

******

It’s that time~haha~ of the month again….I feel like shit, I can’t stop crying and~the delightful cherry on top~my ovaries feel like they’re slowly working there way up the inside of my body to strangle me from the inside-out. It’s also fucking boiling but the sky looks like it’s got a storm a-brewin’.

I feel like death.

I hope y’all are having a wonderful, hopefully not horrendously humid (Satur)day!