Tag / Personal Growth

by introvertontheinternet

26

26 has been weird.

I’ve had an amazing year.

But I’ve also had an awful year.

This time last year, I was on the course of my dreams and I was doing amazing.

I was really struggling with social anxiety from starting the course, taking shrooms maybe perhaps a bit too often and I thought I missed weed.

But other than that, I was doing amazing.

Compared to now,

I was on top of the world then.

I mean everything isn’t all bad,

because now I’m doing standup comedy.

When the goal is to become a comedian/comedy actor, doing standup is fucking amazing.

I didn’t realise how much of a massive, huge amazing win that is for me,

until typing this out just now.

I guess I’m just feeling down on myself,

all insecure and shit,

because I kinda slipped back into relapse not that long ago.

I say slipped because at first I just smoked some type 2 (5% thc – 20% cbd) flower and that was kinda nice, and I still felt like me and in my own body.

And kinda better in some ways cause my timekeeping was so much better.

But then I thought I could just have a wee bit of the street stuff and that it would be amazing.

It was in some ways.

But mostly it just fucks me up.

Makes me anxious and socially awkward, even when I haven’t smoked,

just from the stone over.

And then I keep trying to replicate the tiny amazing part of that first time I smoked it,

Until I look out the window

and realise that 2 weeks have passed.

My cats are crying for me to clean their litter trays, my hair is slicked back with grease and my flat is a cess pit.

So yea,

I slipped back into the bullshit.

And I’m really hoping I can slip back into sobriety and recovery asap.

Also, I’m turning 27 tomorrow,

and I really hoped I could have sustained sobriety and recovery before then.

Not because anything special is happening but because I’ve been smoking weed pretty much consistently for the last 10 years and despite how amazing it was in the beginning, it’s not doing it now.

The fun has stopped, a very long while ago in fact, and I need to stop too.

Also, according to numerology,

27 is the end of the first pinnacle

of your life.

Which is to do with the lessons

you need to learn within this lifetime

to progress onwards with your souls

spiritual journey.

So I’d also really like to 

stop for that reason too.

by introvertontheinternet

Sexy Time?

Do you ever try and get down to have some sexy time with yourself?

Trail a hand up your leg.

Wee rub of the nips.

Just to feel a sadness like never before wash over your whole entire being.

“Maybe you should just kill yourself”-the thought gremlin in your head whispers.

“Nah”-I say.- “I just wanted a wee bit of sexy time to make me feel okay, good even…I’m not gonna kill myself over that, that’s stupid”.

“Maybe you should kill yourself because you’re so far behind in life-everyone else has put down the weed and is getting on with their life. You need to get a grip”-the thought gremlin muttered again.

“Objectively that’s not true”. 

“You’re lying to me to make me feel bad”. 

“I know, and you used to listen”.- The thought gremlin grumbled indignantly.

“You still hurt my feelings that’s for sure”, I said as I looked down at its impatient face, all puckered like in the perpetual state of sucking on a lemon. “I probably shouldn’t tell you that but you do. You’re so good at hurting my feelings-it’s a real talent you’ve got, somewhere between the gift of the gab and schoolyard bully. You could really help people if you flipped your intentions about. -So like I say, you’re really good at hurting my feelings still but I know now, that you’re talking shit”.

“I know now that when you go out of your way to bring me down, you’re trying to superficially gas yourself up, to give yourself energy. Your trying to puff yourself up with all the satisfaction of my pain to make yourself seem and feel like a massive fee-fi-fo-thumb giant when in actual fact you’ll never be anything more than an angry little thought gremlin shaking in it’s silly little twirly pointed boots, barely reaching head height to my knees”.

“Objectively, and subjectively, -even though my brain hasn’t fully recalibrated with what that means, currently- I don’t know how anyone else copes with life when met with the lows and the stillness of perceived stagnation. I just don’t. And neither do you, you silly little full of shit thought gremlin. You like to speculate and make up random shit to fill in the blanks of unknown. But really you don’t know and neither do I. And neither does anyone else”.

“Everybody’s fighting a battle unknown, one where their methods of survival and cope are varied and valid. I don’t deserve judgement for that as much as the next person. Who are you to judge mine? Who am I to judge mine? We’re all just trying our best. In a world full of veneers, the least we deserve is to be able to cope in peace without internal interrogation systems of shame running rampant in our minds”.

“So, little full-of-shit thought gremlin I think you should kindly take your leave from me. You can come back once you’ve worked out how to speak with kindness instead of with hate and malice”.

by introvertontheinternet

Learning to walk away

My whole life people have told me that I need to stand up for myself.

That I’m spineless.

A cowardice doormat.

I never quite got what they meant because in my eyes, I was standing up for myself.

I would shout back-at bullies-and sometimes try and physically fight back~which I was terrible at.

It wasn’t until recently that I realised that sometimes, standing up for yourself doesn’t mean fighting back, it means walking away.

Walking away, refusing to fight back….just ending the chapter.

Sometimes it’s better to just cut contact and never look back.

Even if that person meant the world to you.

In walking away, I’ve done the best I possibly can for myself.

I’ve decided that although I don’t fully like myself yet (full self love will probably come later in life(hopefully)), I like and respect myself enough to say, “no, you will not treat me like shit, if you treat me like this, you can no longer be a part of my life”.

“Even though you were an important part of my life and I have many good memories with you, that does not make your behaviour excusable. If you think you can treat me like shit and I’ll let you, you are wrong”.

I think that’s the mistake I made in the past.

I was so desperate to have someone to talk to…to have real friends, that I couldn’t walk away.

No matter how many times people did horrible things, I just kept trying.

Blinded by desperation.

Now, I can walk away.

Now, I’m okay to be on my own.

I have a good relationship with myself (as long as I don’t look in a mirror).

And I have good friends, who I don’t see as much as I’d like to but they treat me with respect.

They respect boundaries and stick with me through the good and the bad.

I don’t see them as often as I would like but I know that their there.