Tag / Grief

by introvertontheinternet

26

26 has been weird.

I’ve had an amazing year.

But I’ve also had an awful year.

This time last year, I was on the course of my dreams and I was doing amazing.

I was really struggling with social anxiety from starting the course, taking shrooms maybe perhaps a bit too often and I thought I missed weed.

But other than that, I was doing amazing.

Compared to now,

I was on top of the world then.

I mean everything isn’t all bad,

because now I’m doing standup comedy.

When the goal is to become a comedian/comedy actor, doing standup is fucking amazing.

I didn’t realise how much of a massive, huge amazing win that is for me,

until typing this out just now.

I guess I’m just feeling down on myself,

all insecure and shit,

because I kinda slipped back into relapse not that long ago.

I say slipped because at first I just smoked some type 2 (5% thc – 20% cbd) flower and that was kinda nice, and I still felt like me and in my own body.

And kinda better in some ways cause my timekeeping was so much better.

But then I thought I could just have a wee bit of the street stuff and that it would be amazing.

It was in some ways.

But mostly it just fucks me up.

Makes me anxious and socially awkward, even when I haven’t smoked,

just from the stone over.

And then I keep trying to replicate the tiny amazing part of that first time I smoked it,

Until I look out the window

and realise that 2 weeks have passed.

My cats are crying for me to clean their litter trays, my hair is slicked back with grease and my flat is a cess pit.

So yea,

I slipped back into the bullshit.

And I’m really hoping I can slip back into sobriety and recovery asap.

Also, I’m turning 27 tomorrow,

and I really hoped I could have sustained sobriety and recovery before then.

Not because anything special is happening but because I’ve been smoking weed pretty much consistently for the last 10 years and despite how amazing it was in the beginning, it’s not doing it now.

The fun has stopped, a very long while ago in fact, and I need to stop too.

Also, according to numerology,

27 is the end of the first pinnacle

of your life.

Which is to do with the lessons

you need to learn within this lifetime

to progress onwards with your souls

spiritual journey.

So I’d also really like to 

stop for that reason too.

by introvertontheinternet

A Monologue from the perspective of a Parent who’s lost a child in a School Shooting

(This monologue is entirely fictitious, I personally have never experienced this horrific injustice of life. I wrote this monologue for a devised piece of theatre I was co-creating in college.)

~~~~~~~~

No parent is ever meant to bury their child. It’s supposed to be the other way around. You always think you have more time, so much so that you don’t even think about the time you have.
If I’d known that this morning would be the last meeting of our eyes in the waking world of this lifetime, I would’ve held you close and never let go.
I would’ve stayed with you, my arms wrapped around you until you got to school & I would’ve been your human shield.
And sure, I wouldn’t have made it home but at least you, my sweet baba, would’ve.

by introvertontheinternet

I’m Sorry

I wish I could go and visit you.

I’m sorry for all the times that I didn’t.

I was scared because you were ill,

I was scared.

So scared that you were going to die that I couldn’t even see you.

Pathetic.

If I could go back in time,

I’d come see you every day.

I’d make sure that you knew I loved you,

that we got to spend time together.

Instead of sitting,

getting stoned,

trying to pretend it wasn’t happening.

Trying to kill my own pain,

rather than putting my time to good use,

by spending time with you,

cherishing the time of a clock that was about to stop. 

I’m sorry Granny,

I’m sorry for not visiting you,

until the almost end.

Without you,

I feel like there’s no point in anything,

no point in getting up

unless I’m making you proud.

On the days that I’m not at college,

working towards my goal,

I feel nothing but 

sadness, 

guilt, 

shame,

that I’m not doing enough,

to be the best I can be.

I want to be the best for me,

but I also want to be the best for you.

I want to make you proud,

but I also want to make me proud.

I just want to be the best I can be.

The best friend, daughter, sister.

The best I can be.

******

I wrote this the other night when I was, for lack of a better term, mwi. Obviously, there’s a little bit of exaggeration but I do feel on the days that I’m not really doing anything that I’m wasting time…time that I could be using to create or work towards my career goals. I do have good days and they’re happening more often but I also have bad days and weeks but I guess it’s all part of the journey that is life.

I hope you enjoy reading it.

I hope y’all are having a wonderful Thursday 😊