Tag / Anxiety

by introvertontheinternet

Anxiety

Anxiety.

Anxious.

I try not to be.

Be reasonable,

there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Just people.

People aren’t scary.

My heartbeat says otherwise.

There’s nothing to be afraid of.

I can’t stop sweating,

I can see and hear everything.

Hyperaware…..that’s what it’s called.

I think I’m going to be sick.

No need to be afraid, I tell myself.

But, everything else is telling me otherwise.

I feel like crying.

Like disappearing,

going into my house and never leaving.

******

I wrote this at LGBT group last night, as part of a poetry workshop.

I was feeling really anxious, as you can probably tell by le poem, so I just wrote what I was feeling in that moment, my physical responses and thought processes.

I didn’t think it was that great….pretty shit actually but when I shared it, I had a pretty positive response. Some people said that they could relate to it, which actually felt really good. It sounds weird….but a lot of the time my anxiety makes me feel really alone and hearing that others can relate makes me feel like less of a lone shaking leaf.

Obviously, I know that other people experience anxiety but because it’s not always obvious and fairly easy to hide, it’s really easy to feel like the only one.

Especially when Niagara Falls levels of sweat is rolling down my back and I feel like I’m going to start screaming from the stress, ‘The Grinch tries yoga’ style.

So, I’m sharing this today, in hopes of helping someone else feel a little less alone.

I hope y’all are having a wonderful day, hopefully not filled with anxiety.

If you are struggling (with anxiety, or anything), here are some healthy coping mechanisms, especially for if your out and about:

  • Listening to music
  • Practising mindfulness techniques, like the 5 senses exercise (focus on 1 thing you can taste, 2 things you can smell, 3 things you can hear, 4 things you can feel (touch) and 5 things you can see)~I actually use this one a lot and it’s really helpful. It can also be really good for developing your dream lucidity abilities, if your interested in that kind of thing. Another mindfulness technique that I find really helpful is ‘The Colour Game’. It works best if you do it with another person but you can also do it alone. Basically, all you do is: say colours that you see aloud, but different colours from the other person, kinda batting colours back and forth. Like eye spy but only with colours-at first-and no guessing. Eventually your going to run out of colours~you might be saddened like I was, realising that due to our limited human vision (in the majority) there’s not nearly enough colours to satisfy~but fear not, now you can move on to everything else you can see, making this technique very much eye spy without the guessing.
  • Having an object which you can hold and feel, in order to feel grounded. An example of what this might be and what to do is: A pebble; which you can hold in your palm, focusing on it’s weight and how it feels against your skin.
  • Writing down how you feel~writing my poem actually helped to release a lot of the stress I was feeling at the time. It can be in any form; a poem, a song, a rap….random words scattered on a page. And it doesn’t have to make sense, just let your words be free.

by introvertontheinternet

Brown’s CBD Oil Review

I’ve been using CBD in various forms for about a year now and it has had a massively positive impact on my life. I can honestly say, more than anything, that without CBD I would not be here.

For this review, I will first explain, for those of you who might not know, what CBD is and then I’ll do my actual product review.

If you already know the bizz with CBD, feel free to skip past my explanation.

What is CBD?

If your not already aware; CBD is one compound, of many, found to occur naturally within the-somewhat-commonly, ill-famed cannabis plant. Although compared to THC, the component most people might associate with cannabis, CBD is non-psychoactive.

What does that mean? You may ask.

It means that when you take it, smoke it, eat it…whatever way you choose to consume it, your not going to get high/stoned/so gouched you become one with your couch.

You can function on CBD.

You can work and excel on CBD.

You can relax on CBD.

CBD does not impair you judgement or cause any form of intoxication.

It is a naturally occurring anti-psychotic and has been proven to be beneficial in aiding both physical and emotional/mental illnesses.

Brown’s 5% Hemp Oil Extract, 10mls

Exterior Design:

A small, pocket-sized, matt-black dripper top bottle.~Very simple, yet aesthetically pleasing.

Dripper top is screw-on, very secure~it feels good to put my oil in my bag and not be slightly feart that it’ll spill everywhere.

Measurement Dripper~I really liked this feature, as when using dripper bottles before it’s been a little bit difficult to gauge my dosage using sheer guesstimation and I always end up using more than intended. Makes dosing a lot easier.

Also, with greater dosage control comes greater expectations for ye auld bank account. Hopefully.

Actual Oil, contained within the confines of ye interior bottle:

Taste~At first I found the taste to be a bit too heavy and rich…very, very hempy and oily tasting. It has a taste very similar to that of the homemade butter one might add to their cakes around about spring time (or any time).

But after a few drops, like most oils I’ve tried, I got used to the taste.

I still notice it sometimes but that’s only if I don’t leave it to soak into my membranes for long enough.

Effects

As I consume CBD in many different forms daily, I was slightly concerned that I would’t necessarily be able to measure this oils effectiveness.

But I was wrong.

I’ve been trying to go out more, trying to challenge my social phobias a little bit more-recently, compared to previous times.

So, on Wednesday, I challenged myself to become more socially involved with some people I go to a group, in town, with.

Fair to say, I was shitting myself. I was so terrified that I wouldn’t be able to speak or that I’d come across as socially awkward or rude.

But thanks to this oil, a few drops every few hours, I think I did quite well.

I even managed to take my headphones off for a bit (when I was alone) and stay grounded in my surroundings-not in town town, Merchant City, but regardless I feel quite proud of myself.

Feel free to checkout Brown’s CBD Oil at: https://www.brownscbd.co.uk/

by introvertontheinternet

Dermatillomania

When I’m feeling 

stressed,

anxious,

depressed.

I pick at my skin,

it always helps,

I dunno why.

I’m always picking away,

squeezing away,

all the imperfections.

Making imperfections,

while removing them.

I think there imperfections

but 

they might not be there.

I always think,

‘What if I’ve got skin cancer,

I need to squeeze out the skin cancer’.

I think there’s something wrong with me 

cause 

I don’t think others think like this.

Claw at their skin,

with fear of disease.

All the while,

most likely,

creating disease.

by introvertontheinternet

Ocean Youth Trust Adventure

A couple of months ago, on the week beginning the 24th of September, I started a week-long voyage with Ocean Youth Trust Scotland, as part of a trip with LGBT Youth Scotland.

Initially, going into it, I didn’t really have any expectations.

On signing up, to go, I hadn’t really thought about it as anything other than an escape from the particular strain of shit life was throwing at me at the time. I didn’t even know when it was. The minute I heard “boat trip to the middle of nowhere with possible confidence building exercises”~this is not a direct quote, this is just my translation~I was on board……haha.

I had some hopes for the week but nothing I’d really call an expectation.

One hope that I had, was that I’d be able to manage the whole week without smoking any weed. And I did in a sense, I smoked before I left and when I got back but I managed sobriety for the majority of the week~the ban on drugs and alcohol helped greatly. And I enjoyed it.

For a really long time, I’ve been using weed to block out/cope with trauma and it got to the point where I couldn’t do anything or go anywhere without smoking up. It was the only thing keeping me going, the only thing keeping me from drowning amidst the tidal waves of continues shit. My lifeline as it were but also my downfall, as most people will find, too much of something no matter how much it helps, is not good. I was starting to see that the amount I was smoking was holding me back and I seriously needed to reevaluate my life choices. I needed to go away for a while, without access to my stuff and have a really good think about everything.

When the voyage came up, it was the perfect opportunity.

On the first day, the 24th, I had to arrive at Central station at 12:15 to get the train to Greenock where the boat was docked. I think I was running off schedule and getting into a bit of a tizzy but made it with a good 5 minutes to spare. The journey was slightly awkward for me, I felt like everyone else quickly relaxed into the banter and I was just sitting in anxious silence as per usual. When we arrived, we walked down to the docks where we met the Alba Explorer and her crew for the first time. The Alba Explorer is a beautiful big racing yacht built for upwind sailing races around the world, a truly epic boat if ever you saw one.

Once aboard, we were straight down to business, jumping into the icebreakers.

I don’t remember much from the rest of the first day, apart from crying myself to sleep and ~this is a direct quote from my logbook~” considering learning how to sail properly, buying a boat and fleeing society”. Clearly, despite having successfully pulled off my mission of escaping, my mind was still stuck on it. We also learned how to work the winches but I don’t think I actually took any of the information in…I definitely didn’t….this became very apparent the following day.

~We were read a bedtime story that night, by one of the crew, Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which was really nice but really set the tears in motion because it reminded me of getting bedtime stories when I was wee and of how much I missed those times.~

The next day, day 2, started off fairly shit with me realising that the period from hell had hit. Literally. It was an absolute bloodbath. It was like all the periods that I’ve ever missed all decided it was time to show face and fuck me over. BOOM BITCH! TIME FOR YOUR RECKONING!

I’m also pretty sure that I gave myself multiple concussions due to the low ceilings and very hard trap door/window thing that we had to slide open to get out on deck, that I kept forgetting was there.

To top everything off, after building myself up with Ibuprofen, CBD oil, and herbal tea and thinking I’d be okay, the minute I stood on deck the whitey hit. Like a fucking train. I felt like I was about to die. It was a very windy day, in the middle of the sea, on a boat that purposely sails into the wind…like a giant windsurfer. This boat was choppy as fuck, to say the least. Everyone kept telling me to “look at the horizon and you’ll feel better” but no, did I fuck.

Because of my sickness and general feeling of all-out death, I decided to take some time out and go for a nap. Which helped greatly. It was like magic how much it helped.

Praise Hallelujah for naps! Am I right or am I right?

Later, feeling slightly rejuvenated, me and my group were on boardwatch; practicing knots, working the winches, steering the boat and making sure that the boat doesn’t crash. For a bit, I sat and practiced tying different knots-half-knots and bowline-pretty boring stuff in my opinion. Then I got to steer the boat, which I absolutely loved despite my fears that I would accidentally crash the boat and kill everyone on board, as well as destroying a masterpiece of the seas.

By the 3rd day, I was starting to feel a bit more comfortable in my environment and around everyone on board. I still felt quite uncomfortable around some of the men in the crew but this was kind of expected and unavoidable, I just had to ignore my fears and try not to freak out.

On this morning, after breakfast, we were hit with the concept of ‘Happy Hour’…which isn’t what you think it is. In fact, it’s the complete opposite……it’s cleaning. My first job as part of ‘Happy Hour’-said, dripping with sarcasm-was to clean what was known as the ‘heads’, in other words, the toilet. It was shite….pun not intended. I don’t mind cleaning my own toilet, when I have the motivation, but cleaning a toilet that about 15 other people have used…..no thanks. I did it anyways because despite my hatred of the task, its always better to just get it done rather than to give up.

After ‘Happy Hour’, me and the rest of the people from LGBT were allowed to go into Tarbert, where we docked, for an hour to have a wee wander around or a cup of tea. There were 5 of us, ‘young people’, so we decided to walk down together and check out what the wee town had to offer. It was a quaint wee town with a cute wee line of cafes and local shops, a bank and a co-op and castle ruins that you could walk up to. After picking up a few things from the co-op, we decided to have some tea in a lovely wee cafe we found. During this time we started to talk a bit more and add each other on social media, a norm among ‘young people’. Since we had our phones taken away from us at the beginning of the journey so that we would all be present, we spent some of the time checking our various social media platforms. On leaving the cafe, me and my friend decided to pick up some travel sickness tablets because fuck feeling that sickness again. Of course, as usual, I was late back to the boat…only by a few minutes but late all the same.

I hate being late…despite my tendency to usually be so.

Once we were all on the boat, after meeting two of the youth workers halfway down the boardwalk and taking a few photos~which I might upload at some point…..once I figure out how to download my photos without getting duplicates lol. The 3rd day was a pretty good day, as now armed with my seasickness tablets, I was feeling a lot better. Again, I don’t remember much of it~due to the passage of time~but of what I do…I remember that we were sailing to Rothesay and that it was a nice, if not slightly temperamental day. ~A paradox I know but that kinda shit happens at sea~ I remember working the winches and building my confidence with them and I can honestly say that if someone put one in front of me right now, it’d be really weird but I’d be able to do it no bother with only slight prompting.

That night we anchored in Rothesay Bay, about 2 or 3 full sized football pitches away from land~a terrible way to measure distance but fuck it~with a beautiful view of the island-I think I might have pictures of this too. Before going to bed we were told that we’d all be doing anchor watch shifts of 2 hours or so in pairs but luckily mine wasn’t until 6am. I had to get up at 6am…fair to say I wasn’t really looking forward to that aspect…

After finally getting to sleep at about 4am, getting up 2 hours later was brutal. On waking, I felt like I’d only just gotten warm and that I’d only been asleep for about 10 minutes. One of those nights. ~Ahhhhhhhhh! *Sigh*~

Once I’d pulled myself free from the, only just, pleasant confines of my sleeping bag, I was straight onto anchor watch duty…which I surprised myself by really enjoying. Anchor watch happens when the boat is anchored rather than docked and one or two of the crew have to keep an eye on and take note of the wind speeds, water depth and the degree of the offset; the angle of which the vessel is sitting at. This was a fairly simple task as we only had to check the monitors every 5 minutes-within an hour-and take note, making sure that nothing was going into critical levels and staying there.

During this, we were given the task of creating a story. Everyone who was on watch had the opportunity to contribute by adding a few lines or pages in, which was certainly the case for me, whenever they were on. As you can imagine, the end result was interesting. It started off as a pretty average funny story related to sailing and the like, slightly confusing but nothing too weird and then I decided to dump my imagination on it….putting it onto a slightly weird but fun twist. I feel like I’m kinda tooting my own horn here but I was quite proud of my contribution. I thought we all did a really good job, if I can find it (and ask everyone’s permission) I think I’ll post it here.

After sharing our work with the rest of the crew over breakfast, which me and my partner made, we got stuck straight into setting sail to Greenock, where the voyage would conclude. The rest of the journey was pretty much the same as the previous days; I spent time practicing and mastering the knots~which I can’t actually remember but that’s probably for the best~working the winches and steering the boat. I also spent time getting to know people too but due to my having an anxious pea brain, I can’t really remember this either.

All in all, I would highly recommend going on a voyage or volunteering with Ocean Youth Scotland…no matter where you’re at, it’s a really fun and educationally enriching experience.

I found that it helped me greatly in terms of my mental health and my general outlook on life. I also love the sea; I like looking to see if I can see any mermaids beneath the turquoise tides.

******

I hope y’all enjoyed reading about my experience 🙂

I’m so thankful that I’ve finally gotten it done after so much worry about it not being good enough…now all I need to do it edit out the not so family friendly stuff and get it sent off to the right peeps…shouldn’t be too hard~wish me luck anyways though? Cause there’s always the chance that I could fuck it up.

I hope y’all are having a fabulous night, morning, day and evening! 🙂