Somber Times.
Mid July.
I spent my time getting high.
Out beyond
my four walled tomb,
I’d hear the joyful shrieks
from the children on the street,
rising to meet
the horizons
peak.
And
I’d think
back.
Back
to a time
when the day
would stretch on
for weeks.
When I truly
believed
in fairies,
and didn’t
isolate myself
for weeks.
26 has been weird.
I’ve had an amazing year.
But I’ve also had an awful year.
This time last year, I was on the course of my dreams and I was doing amazing.
I was really struggling with social anxiety from starting the course, taking shrooms maybe perhaps a bit too often and I thought I missed weed.
But other than that, I was doing amazing.
Compared to now,
I was on top of the world then.
I mean everything isn’t all bad,
because now I’m doing standup comedy.
When the goal is to become a comedian/comedy actor, doing standup is fucking amazing.
I didn’t realise how much of a massive, huge amazing win that is for me,
until typing this out just now.
I guess I’m just feeling down on myself,
all insecure and shit,
because I kinda slipped back into relapse not that long ago.
I say slipped because at first I just smoked some type 2 (5% thc – 20% cbd) flower and that was kinda nice, and I still felt like me and in my own body.
And kinda better in some ways cause my timekeeping was so much better.
But then I thought I could just have a wee bit of the street stuff and that it would be amazing.
It was in some ways.
But mostly it just fucks me up.
Makes me anxious and socially awkward, even when I haven’t smoked,
just from the stone over.
And then I keep trying to replicate the tiny amazing part of that first time I smoked it,
Until I look out the window
and realise that 2 weeks have passed.
My cats are crying for me to clean their litter trays, my hair is slicked back with grease and my flat is a cess pit.
So yea,
I slipped back into the bullshit.
And I’m really hoping I can slip back into sobriety and recovery asap.
Also, I’m turning 27 tomorrow,
and I really hoped I could have sustained sobriety and recovery before then.
Not because anything special is happening but because I’ve been smoking weed pretty much consistently for the last 10 years and despite how amazing it was in the beginning, it’s not doing it now.
The fun has stopped, a very long while ago in fact, and I need to stop too.
Also, according to numerology,
27 is the end of the first pinnacle
of your life.
Which is to do with the lessons
you need to learn within this lifetime
to progress onwards with your souls
spiritual journey.
So I’d also really like to
stop for that reason too.
This is a monologue that I wrote and performed for a piece of community based theatre I was part of in 2023. The performance was centred around the theme of addiction.
~~~~~~~~
Welcome to this week’s class of Social Education, today we’ll be looking at Substance Abuse…
Now I know you may think that substance abuse is some glamorous party with a tragic poetic fall. A party that goes on and on and on. One that even as all of your friends fall away, you still find joyful, manic glee in. A safe solace away from it all. No harm ever to come your way…?
I hate to break the spell of Tumblr esq dreams but in reality it’s a slow decay, in which you watch all of your hopes and dreams slip away.
It might start with you doing it alone or with friends but in the end it doesn’t matter, you’re hooked on the feeling. And the feeling helps you “cope”.
You might like how it makes you feel more confident and open, in the moment might I add, or how it helps you dissociate and forget.
But in the end it all leads to the same place.
A place of disarray and self-decay. A place where you stop caring about what you look like, whether you smell or not, where you cut everyone and everything off.
A place where it’s just you and the drug of your choice.
All alone.
Let that sink in.
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