Featured by introvertontheinternet

Gaza is Burning

Gaza is Burning

Yet the ones who have

the most power

to stop it,

Have turned a blind eye.

Turned a blind eye

loaded with weapons

of mass destruction.

They don’t care about

the buildings,

homes and families

ripped apart.

They don’t care about

the bags of body’s

piling up.

They don’t care who they were,

who they loved

or were loved by.

They don’t care how old

or how young.

They don’t care about anyone.

They don’t care about

the culture lost.

They only care about

Profits.

No matter the cost.

Money. Money. Money.

Is all they care for.

by introvertontheinternet

Somber Times

Somber Times.

Mid July.

I spent my time getting high.

Out beyond

my four walled tomb,

I’d hear the joyful shrieks

from the children on the street,

rising to meet

the horizons

peak.

And

I’d think

back.

Back

to a time

when the day

would stretch on

for weeks.

When I truly

believed

in fairies,

and didn’t

isolate myself

for weeks.

by introvertontheinternet

26

26 has been weird.

I’ve had an amazing year.

But I’ve also had an awful year.

This time last year, I was on the course of my dreams and I was doing amazing.

I was really struggling with social anxiety from starting the course, taking shrooms maybe perhaps a bit too often and I thought I missed weed.

But other than that, I was doing amazing.

Compared to now,

I was on top of the world then.

I mean everything isn’t all bad,

because now I’m doing standup comedy.

When the goal is to become a comedian/comedy actor, doing standup is fucking amazing.

I didn’t realise how much of a massive, huge amazing win that is for me,

until typing this out just now.

I guess I’m just feeling down on myself,

all insecure and shit,

because I kinda slipped back into relapse not that long ago.

I say slipped because at first I just smoked some type 2 (5% thc – 20% cbd) flower and that was kinda nice, and I still felt like me and in my own body.

And kinda better in some ways cause my timekeeping was so much better.

But then I thought I could just have a wee bit of the street stuff and that it would be amazing.

It was in some ways.

But mostly it just fucks me up.

Makes me anxious and socially awkward, even when I haven’t smoked,

just from the stone over.

And then I keep trying to replicate the tiny amazing part of that first time I smoked it,

Until I look out the window

and realise that 2 weeks have passed.

My cats are crying for me to clean their litter trays, my hair is slicked back with grease and my flat is a cess pit.

So yea,

I slipped back into the bullshit.

And I’m really hoping I can slip back into sobriety and recovery asap.

Also, I’m turning 27 tomorrow,

and I really hoped I could have sustained sobriety and recovery before then.

Not because anything special is happening but because I’ve been smoking weed pretty much consistently for the last 10 years and despite how amazing it was in the beginning, it’s not doing it now.

The fun has stopped, a very long while ago in fact, and I need to stop too.

Also, according to numerology,

27 is the end of the first pinnacle

of your life.

Which is to do with the lessons

you need to learn within this lifetime

to progress onwards with your souls

spiritual journey.

So I’d also really like to 

stop for that reason too.

by introvertontheinternet

Sexy Time?

Do you ever try and get down to have some sexy time with yourself?

Trail a hand up your leg.

Wee rub of the nips.

Just to feel a sadness like never before wash over your whole entire being.

“Maybe you should just kill yourself”-the thought gremlin in your head whispers.

“Nah”-I say.- “I just wanted a wee bit of sexy time to make me feel okay, good even…I’m not gonna kill myself over that, that’s stupid”.

“Maybe you should kill yourself because you’re so far behind in life-everyone else has put down the weed and is getting on with their life. You need to get a grip”-the thought gremlin muttered again.

“Objectively that’s not true”. 

“You’re lying to me to make me feel bad”. 

“I know, and you used to listen”.- The thought gremlin grumbled indignantly.

“You still hurt my feelings that’s for sure”, I said as I looked down at its impatient face, all puckered like in the perpetual state of sucking on a lemon. “I probably shouldn’t tell you that but you do. You’re so good at hurting my feelings-it’s a real talent you’ve got, somewhere between the gift of the gab and schoolyard bully. You could really help people if you flipped your intentions about. -So like I say, you’re really good at hurting my feelings still but I know now, that you’re talking shit”.

“I know now that when you go out of your way to bring me down, you’re trying to superficially gas yourself up, to give yourself energy. Your trying to puff yourself up with all the satisfaction of my pain to make yourself seem and feel like a massive fee-fi-fo-thumb giant when in actual fact you’ll never be anything more than an angry little thought gremlin shaking in it’s silly little twirly pointed boots, barely reaching head height to my knees”.

“Objectively, and subjectively, -even though my brain hasn’t fully recalibrated with what that means, currently- I don’t know how anyone else copes with life when met with the lows and the stillness of perceived stagnation. I just don’t. And neither do you, you silly little full of shit thought gremlin. You like to speculate and make up random shit to fill in the blanks of unknown. But really you don’t know and neither do I. And neither does anyone else”.

“Everybody’s fighting a battle unknown, one where their methods of survival and cope are varied and valid. I don’t deserve judgement for that as much as the next person. Who are you to judge mine? Who am I to judge mine? We’re all just trying our best. In a world full of veneers, the least we deserve is to be able to cope in peace without internal interrogation systems of shame running rampant in our minds”.

“So, little full-of-shit thought gremlin I think you should kindly take your leave from me. You can come back once you’ve worked out how to speak with kindness instead of with hate and malice”.

by introvertontheinternet

Crud&Claw

Oh sorry, I just fell

down the back of the sofa.

Got lost in all the crud

& shit I

forgot I got lost down there.

I thought I was

just a ball of cathair

& crud

for a while there.

The cathair I minded

not so much.

But the crud would

weigh me down.

Block me out.

Untethered &

in despair.

I thought I was going nowhere.

Then a

cat claw came down

& spiked

me in the

eye.

I thought I was

ready to

die.

Until,

Pulled up

from the crud

by the

claw

piercing my eye

I saw the

horizon

start to rise.

The sun breaking the clouds

I remembered

my wings.

I remembered

my soul.

I remembered how to breathe

and sing.

by introvertontheinternet

A Lesson On Substance Abuse Monologue

This is a monologue that I wrote and performed for a piece of community based theatre I was part of in 2023. The performance was centred around the theme of addiction.

~~~~~~~~

Welcome to this week’s class of Social Education, today we’ll be looking at Substance Abuse…

Now I know you may think that substance abuse is some glamorous party with a tragic poetic fall. A party that goes on and on and on. One that even as all of your friends fall away, you still find joyful, manic glee in. A safe solace away from it all. No harm ever to come your way…?

I hate to break the spell of Tumblr esq dreams but in reality it’s a slow decay, in which you watch all of your hopes and dreams slip away.

It might start with you doing it alone or with friends but in the end it doesn’t matter, you’re hooked on the feeling. And the feeling helps you “cope”.

You might like how it makes you feel more confident and open, in the moment might I add, or how it helps you dissociate and forget.

But in the end it all leads to the same place.

A place of disarray and self-decay. A place where you stop caring about what you look like, whether you smell or not, where you cut everyone and everything off.

A place where it’s just you and the drug of your choice.

All alone.

Let that sink in.

by introvertontheinternet

A Monologue from the perspective of a Parent who’s lost a child in a School Shooting

(This monologue is entirely fictitious, I personally have never experienced this horrific injustice of life. I wrote this monologue for a devised piece of theatre I was co-creating in college.)

~~~~~~~~

No parent is ever meant to bury their child. It’s supposed to be the other way around. You always think you have more time, so much so that you don’t even think about the time you have.
If I’d known that this morning would be the last meeting of our eyes in the waking world of this lifetime, I would’ve held you close and never let go.
I would’ve stayed with you, my arms wrapped around you until you got to school & I would’ve been your human shield.
And sure, I wouldn’t have made it home but at least you, my sweet baba, would’ve.

by introvertontheinternet

Browns CBD Patches

This review has taken me a lot longer than I thought it would. When I first agreed to do it I thought I would have it done in a week…two weeks tops. But certain things in my life have gotten in the way. In the past I was scared to talk about these things because I was judging and hating on myself but now I’m at a place where I NEED to be honest. I have been struggling with addiction to thc for the last four years and it pretty much destroyed my life. It really helped me numb out certain traumatic events but it also numbed out my personality. Not completely because I kept up a very well applied mask most of the time but very much mostly. I stopped talking to my friends and family, stopped reading and engaging in pretty much everything that I enjoyed before thc, except from tv. It also made me severely depressed, anxious and worsened my eating disorder-although I wasn’t fully aware of these effects until, in light of developing psychotic type symptoms, I had to stop. I stopped for two months over the summer and was starting to feel a lot more like myself. But then my friend invited me to a small gathering and we got drunk and smoked and I thought maybe I can smoke it, maybe I’ll be okay. But it sucked me back in and I found my OCD getting really, really bad again and I found myself withdrawing into myself like a hermit crab as the tide rushes towards it. And the darkness of these winter months plus the continuation of lockdown….everything mixed together, it’s been really fucking difficult. I’m five days sober now, I really hope it continues.

Your probably wondering why I’m telling you this.

I’m telling you this because, without CBD I wouldn’t have been able to make it through the last few years. I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t even be here today had I not found CBD two and half years ago. I’m telling you this because I want you to know how much of a real difference CBD has made to my life, how much it has really had a massively positive impact on my life. How it has helped me way more than any psychiatric and pharmaceutical pain relief has ever helped.

I wish I could share with every single person in the world how much it has helped me and I wish I could help them help themselves with CBD. Unfortunately it would extremely difficult to reach such a wide audience, as the whole planet, so I’ll just have to be content with however many people read this and hope upon hope that it helps at least one person.

I’ve been using CBD in some form or another for the last 2 and a half years now and recently Browns CBD reached out to me to do a review of their patches. I’ve tried other patches from other companies before and they’ve also been good but Brown’s have been the best I’ve tried that work by head on targeting my pain.

by introvertontheinternet

The Virus

An unseen beast,

it stalks its prey.

So small and invisible,

hard to believe,

there’s a chance it could be deadly.

Wash your hands and stay inside,

your only protector.

Beware the unseen hunter.

Protect the old

and protect the young.

Protect the sick,

and the healthy too.

But even then,

your not certain to be safe.

Beware the unseen beast.

******

I wrote this the other day while out on one of my state-sanctioned hour long walks, while trying to get some semblance of meditation done. I’d stopped by a bit of water and was sitting watching swans and ducks bob by, wondering what their lives were like and what they were thinking, when the first few lines popped into my head and I just went with it from there.

I haven’t written on here, or anywhere else for that matter, in a long time because my perfectionism has been really bad and I’ve been terrified that everything I produced would be shite. That because my blog isn’t really the best looking aesthetically and because I don’t really know how to use WordPress or any website builder type thingy merjig, I was just wasting my time even trying.

But I know now that these are lies.

Sure, I find all this wordpress/blog building stuff really confusing and I feel like a total tube, cause I feel like I should know how to do it, but theres no reason why I can’t learn.

And so what if it’s shite, I can always learn from my mistakes and make it better.

My head likes to lie to me, it likes it wrap me in a tight blanket of self doubt and self hate and even though it feels so warm and familiar….it’s suffocating and today I say, no more.

I hope y’all are having a wonderful evening, night, day or afternoon! 😁

Remember to stay inside and stay safe, or stay protected and vigilant if staying inside isn’t an option 💪🏻❤️

This is the view I had while writing ‘The Virus’,
I hope you enjoyed it 🙂